Growing Second Half of Life Skills…Even If You Happen to Be Living in the First Half

You don’t have to wait for gray hair to grow elder wisdom. This reflection invites you to begin now—wherever you are on the journey.

Over the years, I’ve failed to heed the advice of at least four different physical therapists. Each of them independently came to the same conclusion. They all wanted me to grow a butt. I wouldn’t have minded building a bigger, better butt. But for a skinny guy like me to develop a robust butt, I would’ve had to do PT exercises indoors…every day…more than once a day! Who has time for that? I’ve always wanted my exercise to feel like play. You can practically hear my inner child shouting, “Yahoo!” whenever I get the chance to bust a move outdoors to go running, biking, or hiking. Come to find out, such activities put a lot of wear and tear on hip bones when they’re missing their meat cushions.    

I’ve arrived at the age, where apparently, all the chickens of my youthful indiscretions have come home to roost. In my case, this no-butt-to-boast-of—runner—who couldn’t be bothered to stretch properly or exercise the right way, has thoroughly worn out his hips. 

Consequently, it feels like my token in the game of life has recently jumped forward several spaces. The things that I’ve always associated with old people are now things associated with me! That’s because I recently got my left hip replaced. For all of you youngsters out there, this procedure comes with an absolutely necessary, complimentary walker, along with an absolutely necessary, complimentary hand-held urinal. Oh the humanity! It’s hard to feel like a badass when you’re shuffling behind a walker, even if you’ve affixed a sticker to it that reads, “Badass.” In point of fact, if you have to display a sticker that says you’re a badass, it probably means that you’re just about as far away from being a badass as you can get.       

Several weeks ago, I graduated from my shuffle-step conveyance. These days, I notice that, if I concentrate, I can walk without a limp for moderate distances. Last week, my godchild and nephew, Luke, graduated from college in Washington DC. I wasn’t about to miss the fun. Problem was, the distances I’d need to cover wouldn’t allow me to walk on a new hip. So I rented a wheelchair.  

Much is being made these days of famous peoples’ May-December relationships. Based on that way of expressing age, I’d like to think that I’m an early fall kind of guy: post-Labor Day, for sure, but still a healthy distance from Halloween. Four days in a wheelchair gave me a peek into what life could possibly look like, if and when I make it into the winter years of December and January. Being pushed through airports and busy city streets revealed some things about the state of my current psycho-spiritual development. Those revelations have me reflecting on the process of aging. It’s one thing to contemplate such things while taking care of my mom. It’s quite another thing to look upon these realities when you’ve moved from care-giver, to care-receiver.  

I’d always hoped that someday I’d join the company of those I considered “elders.” You know the type: peaceful, patient, joyful, loving, wise, understanding—the kind of people who’ve tamed their egos. My four days in a wheelchair taught me that I’ve got a ways to go. I knew enough to practice outward gratitude for help given. Internally, I kept noticing how frequently that gratitude was only skin-deep. Like a toddler, I wanted to shout: “I do it!” Except, pretty frequently, I couldn’t.

In our family, good-natured teasing flows like a river in every direction. Normally, I surf those tides with glee. During that trip to DC, I was as thin-skinned and crabby as a Chesapeake Bay soft-shelled Blue. I tried to hide it from my travel companions, but it seemed like my ego was always right out there in front of me, like a pair of glasses sitting on my nose, influencing how I saw everything.  

The Resilience in Aging Recipe

When it comes to resilience and aging literature, anyone over the age of fifty knows the common list of dos and don’ts. As for the “dos”: maintain and grow relationships; engage in daily exercise (aerobic, strength training, stretching); nurture a spiritual life that enhances purpose & meaning; keep your mind active; look after your sleep hygiene; eat food purchased on the perimeter of the grocery store (the expensive part where they sell fruits, vegetables, and protein). The “don’ts” are pretty much the opposite of this list.

My recognizance mission into the land of old age led me to the discovery that the standard “Resilience in Aging Recipe” is missing one crucial ingredient. And that item is essential for anyone hoping to gain admittance into the Elder’s Club.    

The Second Half of Life 

In his best-selling book, Falling Upward, Richard Rohr describes how, from a psycho-spiritual perspective, life is divided into two halves. The first half is dedicated to outer worldly success which includes things like recognition and upward mobility. The ego and its many demands tend to govern much of this section of life. In the second half, interiority beckons. The call can come in a variety of ways including a physical challenge like the one that confronted me in Washington DC. In each and every instance, a release of some form of control is required. The false self has to be confronted. Inner wounds that have formed the root system of the ego must be resolved. It’s not rare for me to pick up a client during this phase of life.

In their own ways, Cynthia Bourgeault, and Thomas Keating describe a methodology for navigating this terrain. Both are advocates and practitioners of Centering Prayer, which is based in the ancient traditions of contemplative spirituality. What it amounts to is nothing more than a twice-a-day practice of resting in God who is already resting in you. In some ways, it feels like a combination of Buddhist awareness practice meets Christian self-emptying (kenosis). The intimacy that develops is subtle, and comes in the quiet.  

A Work in Progress   

A couple of years ago, I planted six fruit trees. It takes years of nurture, pruning, patience, and hope to get a harvest from fruit trees. Someday, I trust, I’ll be serving pie and jam compliments of those trees. In Washington DC, I noticed some promising buds showing up in me. Namely, I could see my ego out in front of me with real awareness of it. It was still annoying as hell, but in seeing it, I didn’t have to be ruled by it. As the years go by, I hope to someday be able to place my self-important ego on my lap and embrace it with loving understanding, the way a grandfather holds a grandchild.

Dialogue and Discussion Questions: 

Longtime SMC readers know that “the Dialogue” section of this article is set aside for a good conversation over a cup of coffee—with a friend, with a group, or just with yourself! As always, feel free to share your reaction or reflection in the “Comments” section below.

• You don’t have to wait until the second half of life to become aware of the presence of the ego, or the false self. Can you name some experiences where you saw your ego or false self in action? Is there a characteristic way in which you frequently notice your ego or false self in action?

  
  

• You don’t have to wait until the second half of life to develop a mindfulness or contemplative practice. Can you describe ways that you have engaged in a spiritual practice? What seems to work best for you?

  
  

• Centering prayer masters are of one mind. The fruit that comes from resting in God usually does not show up within the twenty minutes of the contemplative sit. It normally manifests subtly, like getting hooked by reactivity less often, or finding more self-compassion, or empathy for others. What fruit have you noticed in your developing life of spirituality and care for others (which are really two sides of the same coin)?

  
  

• Name someone you know, or have known who manifests “elder energy” (i.e. peace, patience, joy, love, understanding, wisdom). In a journal or a conversation, describe this person, telling stories of where you’ve seen those qualities in action. What helped that person develop in this way?

  
  

• If you are over the age of 65, do you have a role model whose aging process you hope to emulate? If you don’t, who are some candidates that you might consider anointing as your exemplars? Can you take up the challenge to interview one or two of these people to see what has led to their success in aging?  

Please share with the SMC community your thoughts and/or reflections in the comments below.