The Boundary of Freedom: Acceptance.

Ever been stuck wishing life was different? A sick trip to Ireland, a marriage on the rocks, and a monk’s unexpected wisdom all point to one powerful truth. What if the thing standing between you and peace… is your refusal to accept what is?

1980s Belfast during “The Troubles” seemed way safer to me than the chaos of the roadways, just over the border to the south. When our volunteer work in the north concluded, my mates and I took our lives into our hands and headed into the Republic of Ireland behind the wheel of a rental car. Our goal: a make-it-up-as-you go adventure on the west coast. Navigating a vehicle in that foggy, rain-soaked, emerald blur, demanded a kind of precision you’d normally associate with your grandma’s needlepoint kit. I took my turn behind the wheel, threading those impossibly narrow lanes squeezed by stone walls on both sides. Estimating the width of my auto, while driving on the “wrong” side of the street, from the “wrong” side of the car, caused me to soak my new Irish sweater, and my old American undies in heavy anxiety sweat (it was sweat, wasn’t it?). Despite the fact that those roads were obviously designed for leprechauns, unlike my favorite breakfast cereal, Lucky Charmsâ, they were NOT “magically delicious!” However, Ireland itself most certainly was!

The west of Ireland is dotted with the ancient ruins of crumbly castles, and other long-abandoned stone works. Majestic and sheer rock cliffs plunge from hard-to-imagine heights into the sea. I understand that, here and there, tourists, meandering too close to the edge of those bluffs, can take a tragic plunge as well. Quaint pubs with horrible food, serve creamy Guinness, accompanied by miniature orchestras of various stringed instruments, pipes, and hand-drums. Feet pound to the rhythms of ancient shanties and reels. Then the pub will go as quiet as a monastery chapel for the sung tales of famine, dislocation, loves found and lost, mountain heather, and magical green woods. The jokes, and storytelling in those pubs aren’t bad either. Question: “You know what is hundreds of feet long with an asshole every five feet? Answer: “A Saint Patrick’s Day parade in America!” Next thing you know a convivial arm might drape over your shoulder as the joke teller bellows, “Get a free pint for my American friend over here!” Like I said, magically delicious!

Sounds like the ideal trip doesn’t it? It wasn’t. Somehow, the constant damp and chill of Ireland found a way to take up residence in my sinuses and lungs. I was sick for every bit of that vacation. Both the Irish weather, and me dripped and expectorated all week long. Here’s the weird thing, despite being sick as a dog, that trip ended up evolving into something worthy of all the descriptions of that last paragraph you read, including the part about, “magically delicious!” It was on that trip that I unwittingly stumbled into my vocation as a resilience researcher. Let me explain.

I woke up on the first morning of our quest, with an awareness that I had developed a serious cold overnight. After the f-bombs fell away, a question emerged: “So what are you going to do, Tom…convalesce in a grandma’s rundown bed and breakfast while your pals are out having fun?” Having set aside nearly all my summer’s work money for this trip, the answer came practically before I’d finished pronouncing the question. Come hell or high water (or phlegm, and snot), unless hospitalized, I was going on an adventure!

What came with that decision, over the course of the week was a series of episodes that revealed the connection between acceptance and happiness. Tara Brach puts it this way, “The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.” Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) says it like this, “My capacity to accept what is, rather than I wish was, is my capacity for resilience and happiness.”

The Adventures of a Marital Counselor

With some regularity, I find myself talking to a client/spouse who’s taken on a consumer mindset to their marriage. In absence of, what I would call, real deal breakers, they’re simply looking for a spousal upgrade. In instances like this, I’ll say, “Go ahead and divorce, then date around, and then get remarried. After a few years, you’ll be back here.” The reason I can be so cocksure of myself? There is no such thing as a perfect spouse or marriage. Just ask my wife! Here’s the kicker, the bright shiny thing that originally attracted you to someone, will eventually become the thing that will cause you some brand of annoying friction…even incompatibility. The paradox inherent in this example is that the quicker you can come to accept the incompatibility, the quicker the incompatibility will become manageable. It may even become a source of grace, patience, humor, and maturity for both of you.

The Royal Road to Equanimity

Just about a year after I went to Ireland, I met a Trappist monk whom once lived with the great Twentieth Century mystic and teacher, Thomas Merton. He relayed the story of the day he asked Brother Thomas, “What is the most important thing I can do to have intimacy with God?” I remember the old monk paused for dramatic effect as I waited for a shaft of beatific light to fall upon the both of us. “You know what Brother Thomas told me?” he asked. After another pregnant pause he said, “Be yourself.” Since that day, I’ve worked hard to grasp the paradox that “the best version of myself” includes the flaws, and imperfections. Coming to an acceptance of that truth is the beginning of the acceptance of this one, unrepeatable life of mine. It’s also the beginning of my capacity to really love anyone else.

Dialogue: Use these to dialogue with those in your life or share with Dr. Tom and the Sunday Morning Cafe community in the comments below.

• Have you had an experience like the one I had in Ireland, where coming to an acceptance of something that you wish weren’t true, allowed you a greater measure of peace, or enjoyment?

• Is there a situation in your life that you are finding particularly hard to accept? What’s making that hard for you?

• Is there a dimension of yourself that you find hard to love, or accept? What helps you overcome that obstacle? What have you found that makes that obstacle bigger?

• Do you think that there is a difference between accepting imperfection, and setting your sights too low?