AI Relationships: Artificial or Intelligent?
- Tim Bono
- Aug 17
- 6 min read
AI chatbots promise connection on demand. This reflection asks whether convenience can ever replace real relationship.
With Dr. Tom away on his trip to South Africa, we’re thrilled to feature a series of guest authors sharing their voices with the SMC community.
This Week's Guest SMC Author: Tim Bono Tim Bono is a faculty member in the Department of Psychological & Brain Sciences at Washington University in St. Louis where his teaching and research focus on positive psychology and college student development. His work has been featured in a number of national media outlets including NBC News, CNN, Fast Company, and the Associated Press. Over the last decade, thousands of students have taken his popular courses on the Psychology of Young Adulthood and the Science of Happiness. He summarizes the research from those courses, along with how his students have put that information into practice in their own lives, in his book, Happiness 101: Simple Secrets to Smart Living & Well-Being.
Chat GPT and other forms of Artificial Intelligence are the latest technological advances to revolutionize daily life. Companies use it to set prices and maximize profits, customers use it to schedule appointments and inquire about services, and do-it-yourselfers use it as a guide to assemble furniture and unclog sinks.
But it’s no longer just a tool for optimizing business transactions and aiding home improvement. There recently has been a rise in the number of people forming relationships with AI.
Tens of millions of users—primarily young adults—subscribe to chatbots like Snapchat’s My AI, Replika, and Xiaoice. Each provides a platform for an individual to share whatever is on their minds. In turn, they receive seemingly thoughtful, personalized responses. Like other forms of AI, the more information a user enters, the more “intelligent” the responses become, drawing on previous chat history to offer more nuanced and personalized responses. It’s no wonder these users feel so seen and heard—and in some cases, are more willing to develop relationships with AI than with other people.
The Institute for Family Studies recently revealed that nearly half of young adults find chatbots easier to communicate with than real people—so much so that one in ten young adults are open to an AI friendship and one in four believe that the chatbot could eventually take the place of romantic relationships. It's also worth noting that most young adults (57%) are still uncomfortable with the idea of it or altogether against it. Still, a growing number are either open to it or say they are already in it.
Such findings beg the question: Is this new technology a good idea or not? Let’s examine some of the pros and cons.
The advantages of AI chatbots:
The written word is a healthy way to process. Left to their own devices, emotions easily run rampant in our minds. The act of translating emotion into language helps us take a more rational approach to issues weighing us down. AI does just that—reflecting back what it is “hearing,” and drawing on the wellspring of resources online to help an individual process distress in a healthier way.
Many are reluctant to talk about things with someone else. To many, AI feels safe and anonymous. There’s no chance what you share is going to accidentally slip out over a beer with friends later that weekend. AI gets people processing their emotions and puts them on a path toward a more healthy relationship with whatever situation or circumstances are invading their current thinking.
It is a quick and inexpensive way to receive immediate feedback. When difficult situations arise at home or at work, AI can generate ideas on how to respond—immediately! No need to worry about whether AI is available or in a mood to help. It’s always there. And if the first response AI generates doesn’t satisfy, the user can indicate that, prompting AI to make modifications until it lands in a way that feels right. In this way, AI becomes a ground for testing various approaches toward difficult situations.
But can—or should—a system that promotes a healthy form of processing our thoughts and feelings replace human relationships? Here are a few additional considerations.
Reasons to be cautious of AI chatbots:
Relationships are just as much about listening as they are about sharing. A core component of relationship-building is the ability to tune into another’s emotions and remain sensitive to their thoughts and feelings. Part of the psychological benefit of a relationship is that we are contributing as much as we are taking from the partnership—actively listening to another person, responding in real time, and maintaining momentum with your interaction. With AI, it’s completely one-sided. No actual partnership exists.
AI “relationships” create unrealistic expectations around how real relationships work. With AI, a user can log on whenever and wherever they want and receive instant engagement. Though convenient, it’s not realistic. Interpersonal relationships thrive in part based on each partner being sensitive to cues around the extent to which another person is ready to receive such an engagement. We communicate not only by way of the words we express but also the emotions we convey by way of nonverbals like facial expressions and bodily gestures. AI requires neither of those, further preventing skill development in that domain.
It’s not actually looking out for you. Although it may seem like AI knows what to “say,” anything it offers will always be in response to you. Another key benefit of relationships is that they provide another party who does more than sit around waiting to respond to you. High-quality relationship partners tune into how you are doing, anticipate your needs, and reach out even without a request on your part. Though the chatbots may provide helpful insight when asked, they’ll never be there on your doorstep with a hot casserole and empathetic face when they know you’re going through a difficult time.
Like all forms of technology, AI is neither inherently good nor is it bad, but the ways we use it make it good or bad.
AI as a means to an end can enhance business transactions, expedite home improvement projects, and yes, even strengthen relationships with others. But when AI becomes a replacement for those things, it is not only unproductive but also counterproductive.
In 2023, the US Surgeon General declared an epidemic of loneliness plaguing our society, reflecting the staggering number of adults (and especially young adults) who are struggling to establish meaningful connection with others. Many have become desperate to find solutions. Though relationships with AI may seem like an easy win, it is likely only making the problem worse. Reliance on such technology stifles the skills necessary for developing authentic relationships—the kind that bring authentic happiness. The surge in AI relationships is no cure for loneliness; it’s more like a symptom of what led to Dr. Murthy’s 2023 declaration.
It's clear that AI is not going anywhere. Therefore, we must be educated consumers of its benefits and liabilities. Though it may feel intelligent in its responses to our questions and quandaries, we must remain aware that its intelligence is still artificial. The most intelligent ways we can use it will be an enhancement—rather than a replacement—for social connection.
Dialogue and Discussion Questions: Longtime SMC readers know that “the Dialogue” section of this article is set aside for a good conversation over a cup of coffee—with a friend, with a group, or just with yourself! As always, feel free to share your reaction or reflection in the “Comments” section below.
What stood out to you in this article? Were there any ideas in the article that surprised or challenged you?
Did anything in the article feel familiar or relatable from your own experiences?
What skills or qualities do authentic human relationships offer that AI can never replicate?
What do you notice about the differences between talking with a person and talking with technology?
In your own life, where do you find the deepest sense of being seen and understood?
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Please share with the SMC community your thoughts and/or reflections in the comments below.
This is fascinating. As a mom of young children (7 and 5), do you have advice on how to introduce my kids to the idea of AI and how to help them keep the right amount of skepticism as they age? Hard to believe they won't "rememeber a time" without AI so need to think through how to talk about it as a tool in our family... thanks!