Autumn Love: Building Resilient Marriages When the Nest is Empty
- Dr. Tom Wagner
- 59 minutes ago
- 4 min read
When the children leave home and togetherness increases, how will you navigate what it means to be individuals in the midst of it? This reflection explores resilient marriages in the empty nest phase of life.
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Autumn Love: Building Resilient Marriages When the Nest is Empty
At the last Sunday Morning Café event we reflected upon what makes for strong relationships. After Lisa and I shared our story, we had the participants write down the issue that they wanted discussed around the topic of relationships and marriage. With as many as 110 questions collected, there was no way we could answer all of them. One of the most frequently asked questions that night made me remember a video buried in the SMC archives. So I had Julia, my marketing director, dig it out for me.
Whether we know it or not, we are always laying down the developmental scaffolding for the next stage of life. With that in mind, I think this video, dealing with relationships in the empty nest, is essential for anyone who looks forward to enjoying their retirement (no matter what age or stage in life). Too often, people attend to their financial investments, and fail to pay attention to investments that actually lead to resilience and happiness: their marriage and other significant relationships.
I wish you could have been with us on Sunday—gorgeous venue, crackling fire, “on fire” music by our beloved Lynn O’Brien, lots of laughter, depth of conversation, and some seriously Grace-filled moments. I think this article will give you a taste of the conversation that night, along with some practical tools. I’m honored that you are reading/listening.
Dialogue and Discussion Questions:
Longtime SMC readers know that “the Dialogue” section of this article is set aside for a good conversation over a cup of coffee—with a friend, with a group, or just with yourself! As always, feel free to share your reaction or reflection in the “Comments” section below.
If you are already in the autumn of life, can you think of an example of someone who is in the winter of life who is a role model for how you would like to age? What do you believe their secret ingredient to be? Would you consider interviewing them?
“I shall die, but that is all I shall do for death” (Edna St. Vincent Millay). What do you hear in the line? What images does it pull up for you?
A psychology of postponement when it comes to marriage is a path that most people take. “When the kids aren’t toddlers, we’ll take time for our relationship.” “When club sports are over, we will have time for us.” “When high school activities are done, we will focus on growing ourselves.” A life lived that way results in a very uncomfortable empty nest. If you are married in an earlier phase of the family life cycle, what are some daily, weekly, and monthly investments you can make in your relationship so that you can look forward to the empty nest?
This video mentioned, “novelty” as an important tool to grow new neural pathways in the aging brain. Picking up a new skill, and perfecting it, is a way to prevent dementia. Is there a hobby or skill for which you can imagine making space? What kind of structures would you have to build to ensure fidelity to this process (Joining a club of like-minded people? Putting iron-clad space for it in your daily calendar? Paying for a class?).
An Exercise
Conduct an audit of how you spend your time, money, and thoughts for a week. Maybe this could be achieved by the note function on your phone. With one or two words, record your thoughts as you become aware of them for a week. Notice the thematic patterns. With your calendar function, record how you spend your free time from the moment you wake up, until the moment you go to sleep. Use your credit card, checking, and Venmo/PayPal to monitor how you spend your discretionary income.
Summarize that info.
Hand it to a trusted friend, and ask them, “On the basis of how this person spends their time, money, and thoughts, write a mission statement that flows from this information.”
In the meantime, you will have written your own mission statement based upon your values and aspirations.
How do you think they will compare?
The video this week talked about Bruce Feiler's Secrets of the Happy Family (2020) approach to creating a family, or couple’s mission statement. Is it time for you, as an individual or as a couple, to rewrite your statement after a realistic review of the exercise above?
Please share with the SMC community your thoughts and/or reflections in the comments below.