Foundations for a Brand New Marriage, or Making a Tired Marriage Brand New
- Dr. Tom Wagner
- Mar 1
- 3 min read
The forming stage of a couple is not just romantic; it is formative. This reflection invites you to examine the roles, rules, and rhythms you are setting in place for the long haul.
The blog article follows this invitation!
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Foundations for a Brand New Marriage, or Making a Tired Marriage Brand New
I’ve known Charolette for about three months. She lives with my mom in their skilled/memory care facility. She can’t talk much. She can’t move her arms or legs. What she can do is smile with the same dimples that probably slayed every adult who ever laid eyes on her. Last Sunday, I met Charolette’s husband, Kendell, a third-generation farmer. He was feeding his wife with a tenderness and easy humor that revealed sixty, maybe seventy years of deep affection between them.
As you will see, we’re continuing our video series on resilient relationships. This week’s edition covers the territory of couples who are just getting started with one another. Whenever I see an A+, blue-ribbon, gold-medal Marriage in the late winter of life, I know that, like a fertile farm, that marriage has been fed and tended with excellent habits, every day from the very beginning. The video you are about to watch offers some well-researched methods and habits to produce a marriage as productive and beautiful as the nonagenarians I hung out with last Sunday. Whatever life-cycle phase your relationship is in, see if you can pick up a tip or a tool to introduce some new seed, or some new fertilizer for a fresh harvest of affection and companionship in your relationship.
Dialogue and Discussion Questions:
Longtime SMC readers know that “the Dialogue” section of this article is set aside for a good conversation over a cup of coffee—with a friend, with a group, or just with yourself! As always, feel free to share your reaction or reflection in the “Comments” section below.
What was something in this video that stood out for you? How did it connect with your experience or wisdom?
Was there a practice or habit in this video that is worth discussing with your spouse or significant other?
At one point the claim was made that people think in bumper stickers rather than paragraphs when life is on the move. The suggestion was made to start with your most important values, and come up with a short slogan that can act as a guidepost to steer your choices in a pinch. I gave the example of wanting to be responsive to requests made by my kids or my wife. The slogan I have used to ensure my responsiveness? “If what you’re asking for is good for you, and the family, and if I can do it, then the answer will be, ‘yes.’” Do you have any slogans or “bumper-stickers” that serve as guideposts for you?
Do you think that you are a good student of your relationship? For example, do you know the best ways to do difficult conversations with your spouse? What’s the best way to feed the friendship system for the two of you? Are you good teammates in your physical relationship together? If you can, metaphorically stand shoulder-to-shoulder with your spouse, and have a shared look at some of this together. Rather than answering these questions with a simple, “yes,” or “no,” see if you can come up with examples that help the two of you observe the same landscape together.
Please share with the SMC community your thoughts and/or reflections in the comments below.
Comments