Friendship Across the Divide
You may not be able to resolve every disagreement, but you can choose how you meet each other in the middle of it. A reflection on friendship, politics, and seeking first to understand.
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Friendship Across the Divide
I met Jerry at almost precisely the same moment that I opened my car door to my new Saint Louis home-away-from-home. His mom, just like my mom, was dropping him off at the Catholic seminary for a six-week mini-novitiate, meant to initiate the both of us into the next phase of our priestly formation. It seemed like, within thirty seconds, we’d devised a plan to ditch our moms and our suitcases to make way for the first of many adventures.
He may as well have said, “Hi. I’m Jerry, I’ll be one of your closest friends for the rest of your life.” Instead, he said, “Check out that bell tower! You wanna see if we can find a way to the top?” I’m not sure of the exact wording, but my response went something like this: “Oh hell ya!”
Over the next weeks and months, and then years, that scene repeated itself over and over again. Sometimes our co-adventuring got us into trouble (as in the time we kidnapped a life-sized fetishized statue belonging to a bishop-wannabe, co-seminarian). More often it led to unexpected graces, including a serendipitous accumulation of fellow adventurers that would, in turn, become lifelong friends.
By and by, the scope of our mutual love for adventure widened to include something you could call “inscape-ing.” It’d go like this. From across a classroom, Jerry would get my attention. Next, he’d make a circle in the air with his index finger. With a nod, I’d accept this coded invitation for a walk around the seminary grounds after class. Who knows how many miles we logged together on those walks? Who knows how many pounds of laughter we expelled into Earth’s atmosphere? Then there were those poignant moments, when tears would accompany a shared pain, or the identification of a common obstacle on the way to our boy-dreams and our man-aspirations.
Who knows how many cups of coffee we downed with our seminary coffee klatch buddies? Lively debates regularly broke out, which broke down all the rules about steering clear of politics and religion. I don’t think I’m suffering from euphoric recall? Looking back, I remember our friendships getting closer as a result of those lively conversations, rather than breaking apart.
Friendship in a Divided Culture
As the years have accumulated into decades, our friendship seasoned. We became godfathers to each other’s sons. The demands of adulthood created temporal and geographical challenges, but we navigated those…well enough. In most every respect, our relationship seasoned, like cut wood that can warm a home or a homecoming…except…when it came to politics. Somehow, it seemed like our political discourse aged more like bread ...it got stale…and then just got…well…hard.
Either I became more liberal, and Jerry became more conservative, or our respective political root systems just bore their inevitable fruit and flower over time. At first, those differences didn’t seem so significant. After all, neither Jerry nor I ever shied away from a lively conversation.
However, as the divides in our culture widened, I began to notice that our political discourse, more often than not, drove…off-course. We progressively (or “regressively?”) began talking past each other. I noticed myself engaging in an annoying habit of refuting Jerry’s political assertions, practically before they vibrated off of his vocal folds. As you might imagine, that often devolved into Jerry refuting my refutations, and so on. I’m not proud to say that I would regularly disobey Dr. Tom’s rules of good communication.
A Useful, but Unsatisfying Détente
Over the last few years, my lifelong friend and I tacitly, and then explicitly, landed on the strategy of avoiding political dialogue. It was a two-edged sword. On the one hand, I’m proud of the both of us. We made a counter-cultural decision to keep our friendship alive amidst a social ecosystem designed to sort us into homogeneous monocultures of thought and companionship. On the other hand, I was always a little disappointed in us. After all, this dude loves those parts of me that I find hard to love. He knows the good, the bad, the ugly, and somehow, keeps coming back for more. So how is it that we can’t take down this bizarre “No Trespassing” sign that somehow insinuated itself into our companionship?
A Humble Step
Last weekend, Jerry and his wife, Dawn, invited me down for a mini-vacation at their home in Fort Myers, Florida. Oddly, it was cooler at their latitude than my northern home in Saint Louis. Nonetheless, after a day of physical outdoor activities, it was a pleasure to refresh ourselves at the beach. During one such soak, I resolved to find out what compelled my lifelong friend’s political choices. More importantly, I resolved to simply listen and internalize what he was telling me.
At one point, I was aware of the usual tic that compels me to argue with him, point by point. Fortunately, the grace to shut up and listen came with each draw of an intentional breath. I won’t say that we found common ground. From my end, it felt more like I found a recognition of shared common values.
It seems so simple…in fact, the playbook is short, and I’ve been teaching it to couples for over thirty years. Last weekend, for a change, I practiced what I preached:
Don’t try to resolve a conflict in one episode.
Resolution of a conflict is not as important as staying connected.
Seek first to understand, rather than to be understood.
In the midst of a conflict, take intentional breaths to soothe your heart down, or if your spirituality permits, receive deep breaths of Spirit to ground you in a peace that is both beyond you and within you.
Dialogue and Discussion Questions:
Longtime SMC readers know that “the Dialogue” section of this article is set aside for a good conversation over a cup of coffee—with a friend, with a group, or just with yourself! As always, feel free to share your reaction or reflection in the “Comments” section below.
What resonated with you in this article? Tell that story to somebody if you can.
Do you maintain any friendships across a political divide? If so, what have you found that works?
What is your best guess at what gets in the way of you seeking understanding with your dialogue partners who think and vote differently than you?
How much time do you devote to politically themed social media, or partisan news programming? Can you notice changes in your physiology as you watch, read, and listen?
I shared this story of connection with Jerry in my spiritual direction appointment with Julie O’Connor, who practices out of her office in Nashville, TN. By the way, there are no prohibitions on seeking out spiritual direction across state lines. If you are in the market, Julie is excellent! After hearing my story, she expressed gratitude for how Jerry and I were able to provide positive energy that could be absorbed into the Collective Unconscious, and heal the world…some. Does this way of thinking resonate with your spirituality? For example, from the Catholic side, Pope Pius XII referred to such thinking as “The mystical body of Christ.” Max Scheler, the phenomenologist, referred to the “community of persons.” If this fits for you, how does it fit?
P.S. Enjoy this week's song by Bruce Springsteen. Jerry introduced me to Bruce back in 1982!
Please share with the SMC community your thoughts and/or reflections in the comments below.
Tom, as always your writing goes right to the marrow. Thanks for continuing to show up for this friendship! It is one of the best parts of my life!