In Praise of the Good Enough

There is something to be said for the good enough marriage—where flaws, over time, are slowly turned into gifts. This reflection explores commitment, growth, and shared purpose.

The Blog Article Follows this Invitation!

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Our next Sunday Morning Café event on Valentine’s Day Weekend (Feb. 15, 4-6 pm) will focus on the topic of finding a good marriage, maintaining it, and developing it. In the next several weeks till then, I’ll be writing about that topic in anticipation of it. Since much of my thirty years of clinical practice has been in the area of resilient marriages (dissertation, my Whole Hearted Marriages, marital enrichment program, countless long and short-term couples), I’m pretty psyched about this one. Oh…and the best singer/songwriter from St. Louis will be joining us: Lynn O’Brien (maybe for the last time because she is moving to the West Coast). Hope to see you there.  Thanks for reading! - Dr. Tom

Get your ticket for SMC 2/15.

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In Praise of the Good Enough

In seventh grade, we had to memorize this seemingly sweet little ditty, “Good, better, best, never let it rest…until your good is better…and your better’s best.” Sister Mary Leonard was a no-nonsense kind of middle-school nun. She was fair, but just as firm as the Army cot she probably slept on at night. If she endorsed this little phrase, I wasn’t about to question it.

Besides, it must have seemed commonsensical to me (…a popsicle made of common sense…I think). Sr. Mary Leonard’s Better Business Bureau-ish motto had to come out of the same bucket of Norman Vincent Peale-adjacent sayings from which my dad, and all salesmen of his time, were guzzling (A Note: Peale was the grandfather of the self-improvement and positivity movements). For example, every day, when Dad dropped my brothers and me off at school, he’d say, “Do your best, and the hell with the rest!” This phrase came with a manly, hand-punch gesture—along with forceful accents on the third and final rhyming syllables (i.e., “best”… “rest.”). My dad served at least one term as president of our grade school’s PTO. It’s entirely possible that he and Sister Mary Leonard were in cahoots on this one.

Regarding Norman Vincent Peale and his onerous brand of positivity, I’m told that the Presidential runner-up, Senator Adlai Stevenson, once said, “I find the letters of Paul appealing (as in the Bible author); I find the letters of Peale appalling (as in Norman Vincent…).” Over the course of my adulthood (and marriage counseling practice), I find myself in agreement with the Senator. I frequently hear self-help and spiritual-ish gurus encouraging me to “become my very best self.” Similarly, I am to “Live my best life.”   

I think it’s possible, in some circumstances, to be the GOAT, like basketball’s Michael Jordan; football’s Tom Brady, or tennis’s Serena Williams. I suppose, conversely, it’s also possible to be the WOAT (See the Green Bay Packer’s field goal kicker from last Saturday.) But when it comes to the more important disciplines of life, like growing a moral self, parenting an emotionally intelligent child, practicing a regular spiritual discipline, or working on your marriage, the perfect can most certainly become the enemy of the good. Let me offer just two examples.

When the Quest for the Best Causes a Mess

As psychotherapeutic theory and practice found their way into child-rearing literature, a kind of perfectionism crept into the expectations on a mother (interestingly, not a father) to meet their child’s needs with artistic precision. Failure to master this art often resulted in mother-blaming for all childhood—and by extension—all adulthood flaws. Developmental psychologist D.W. Winnicott’s attachment research broke new ground when he found that “good enough mothering” and “good enough parenting” were sufficient for successful childhood adjustment. In fact, he asserted, a certain amount of parental failure to meet a child’s needs was necessary for the development of a resilient human being.

Another example of unintended harm that can come with this quest for the “best” can be found in William Doherty’s marital research. In the pursuit of the “best marriage,” or “best life,” many spouses can subtly begin to cast a disappointed eye on the marriage they’re currently occupying. The grass can begin looking greener…or younger, or sexier, or funnier, or more intelligent, or more fit, or more spiritual, or less conflicted, or less icky…on the other side of the fence. A kind of “consumer marriage” mentality can take hold. When this happens, the motivation for making the grass greener, on this side of the fence, can go missing. 

The Good Enough Marriage  

Obviously, neither my colleague, William Doherty, nor I would advocate sticking with a damaging pseudo-marriage. When a union is putting the “death” into the “Until death do us part,” it’s time to call it! I just want to notice that there’s something to be said for the “good enough marriage,” where both spouses find a way to turn flaws into gifts over time. It’s the irritant in the oyster that slowly, slowly, grows a pearl. Similarly, it’s the flaw in the good enough marriage that, over time, can grow more patience, humor, and largesse in each spouse. A “good enough” approach to marriage holds the promise of a gradual diminishment of the egoic, false-self, with all of its many urgent requirements for happiness. I don’t know much about “the best.” Thirty-plus years of clinical practice, and a marriage and family of my own, have taught me that accepting your good enough marriage, your good enough self, and your good enough spouse, is the royal road to becoming a better self, coaxing the better out of your spouse, and growing a better marriage. 

An Addendum: A Spiritual Reflection on Good, Better, Best

David Fleming, the great Jesuit spirituality theologian, taught me that “the best” is not a thing given to human beings to do. “The best,” or perfection, is possible only for God. For human beings, the “good” as we have lights to see it in our particular circumstances is a noble human goal. Keeping an eye out for making a “good” choice, and sometimes a “better” than good choice, is the proper goal of a life dedicated to love, goodness, beauty, and truth. In David’s schema, which is Ignatius of Loyola’s schema, which is the Judeo-Christian schema, this is the royal road to happiness.  

I just need to add one more note from the father of existential psychology, Viktor Frankl. His research led to a conviction that the pursuit of happiness was doomed to frustration. Rather, like the character, Curly Washburn, in City Slickers, Frankl’s research found that human fulfillment is found in investing your whole self in a goal that’s worthy of that investment. The primary motivation in a healthy adult is the striving for meaning and purpose. Happiness and self-improvement are not the focus of striving; they are its byproducts. Marital improvement is not the goal of striving; it’s the shared mission of the marriage.  

Dialogue and Discussion Questions:

Longtime SMC readers know that “the Dialogue” section of this article is set aside for a good conversation over a cup of coffee—with a friend, with a group, or just with yourself! As always, feel free to share your reaction or reflection in the “Comments” section below.

1. For married couples, the motivation for meaning and purpose raises at least two questions. (1) At this age and stage in my life, what is my purpose in this marriage and family? (2) What is our shared purpose in this marriage and family?
   

2. Here’s a fun exercise to complete with a spouse. Set a timer for five minutes. On separate sheets of paper, sketch out three to five of your goals for your marriage and family. At the end of five minutes, see where your goals converge and where they diverge.  
   

3. If you are single, brainstorm your top twenty characteristics for a spouse. Then circle the top ten most important ones. Then rank order those ten from most important to least important. Then circle the top five “deal breakers” if a dating partner is missing those.  
   

4. What do you find hardest to accept in yourself? Can you think of ways that this imperfection has been a gift to you in some way, no matter how small (e.g. brought you into therapy, gave you compassion for other imperfect people, etc...)?
   

5. Is there an area you are working on to improve your marriage? How’s it going? What supports that work? What erodes that work?

Please share with the SMC community your thoughts and/or reflections in the comments below.