Intentional Friendships: a Guest SMC Author!

The irony of friendship? We long for closeness, but sometimes resist the very vulnerability that creates it. This piece invites you to take the small, brave steps that lead to a lifetime of walking side by side.

With Dr. Tom away on his trip to South Africa, we’re thrilled to feature a series of guest authors sharing their voices with the SMC community.

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This Week's Guest SMC Author: Annalise Wagner Regular SMC readers and friends of Tom know Annalise as Tom’s oldest daughter. Annalise is currently living with her husband, Matt, in Philadelphia, where she does lots of exploring Philly (go Birds, but more importantly, go Pack) and the surrounding area, running with friends, reading fiction novels, and watching bad TV.

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There is something transcendent about a weekend with friends. Laughing over dinner, dancing and singing without concern for how ridiculous you might look, engaging in deep conversations about how much you mean to each other…the amount of love and joy that can be contained in those weekends is something you forget about until months or years pass, and you once again summon the logistical and financial capital that a trip with far-flung friends requires. 

I had the good fortune this month of spending a weekend in Las Vegas in anticipation of a lifelong friend’s upcoming wedding. We went to the perfect mix of tacky (but fun) bars and nice restaurants with delicious food. We saw Kelly Clarkson in concert, and saw Destiny’s Child reunite at the final night of Beyonce’s Cowboy Carter tour (!!!). It was truly the most fun girls’ weekend I could have imagined. And I almost didn’t go—when my friend brought up the idea of this trip, I told my husband Matt about it, and remarked that “there’s no way I can go, the travel will be crazy for just a weekend trip, and it’ll be so expensive.” His response was reminiscent of last week’s “When’s the Next Time You’re Going to the Rainforest?” article, mixed with Matt’s characteristic pragmatism. He said something along the lines of, “This is one of your best friends, and it would be so special to go. Let’s look at flights and our budget; I bet we can make it work.” And thank goodness we did!

In addition to the Vegas weekend, I recently spent a different weekend at a lake in the Midwest celebrating two of my childhood best friends’ 30th birthdays. My attendance at this trip was nearly derailed by intense storms in the northeast the day I was scheduled to fly out. My flight was cancelled, and the only alternatives were (1) flying in the next evening, and missing about half of the weekend; or (2) hopping on three different flights, spending the night in the Buffalo airport, and arriving the next morning (missing very little of the weekend’s planned activities). By the way, Matt, the organizational mastermind, found the latter itinerary when the American Airlines representative on the phone was adamant that the evening flight was my only option. And Matt, the supportive partner, was once again the one urging me to do what was in my power to spend quality time with friends.

While I have recently felt proud of the steps I’ve taken to cultivate close friendships, I’ve found intentionality in adult friendships to be challenging. Thanks to my dad’s profession and my parents' modeling a healthy and communicative marriage, I’ve generally found that I’m able to be a good communicator in my marriage, and in relationships with my parents and siblings (though of course there’s always room for growth). In the ten years we’ve been together, Matt and I have grown a lot in our ability to talk through conflict in a loving and intentional way. And thanks to my dad’s practice of facilitating “peace conferences” with my siblings and me growing up, I’ve rarely felt shy confronting conflict with my immediate family members. Similarly, I don’t feel shy in voicing when I’d like more quality time with Matt, or with my immediate family members, or telling them how much I value our relationship. 

I’ve observed, however, that vulnerability in broaching conflict in friendships is harder for me. I’m much more likely to wait for negative feelings to fade than to face them head-on and seek to work with my friends to grow through conflict. And on the flip side, I sometimes find it harder to express to my friends (particularly newer friends, or those that have not yet reached “best friend” level) how much they mean to me, when I would have no hesitation expressing similar sentiments to my husband, parents, or siblings. In reflecting on these hesitancies, I’ve come to believe that they stem from the knowledge that Matt, my parents, and my siblings are essentially stuck with me for life. If I misspeak or cross a line with them, we’ll work through it, because we have to. When I tell them I love them, they’ll respond, “I love you too.” Vulnerability is more challenging when there isn’t that guarantee that you’ll be loved no matter what.

The irony, of course, is that a lack of vulnerability can be the largest impediment to a meaningful, lifelong friendship. I recently had an experience that demonstrated how aversion to conflict and difficult conversations can sabotage a friendship. I had a friend who, over several years, I had seen do things that made me uncomfortable—not necessarily any earth-shattering wrongdoing, but comments and actions towards myself and others that made me feel uneasy or annoyed. Rather than engage with those feelings or bring them up to this person in an intentional way, I avoided conflict, and trusted that the negative feelings would fade, or perhaps eventually be outweighed by positive ones. Predictably, instead of preserving our friendship, this avoidance eroded any roots that may have otherwise developed. So, when a recent bad experience with this friend made years of negative feelings resurface, I didn’t feel a desire to mend what I had not allowed to grow. At that point, because I had taken so many small steps away, neither of us had the desire to take large bounds forward. Because this was not a friendship that I had intentionally nourished over the years, this didn’t necessarily strike me as a sad event—more of a missed opportunity. Perhaps earlier intentional conversations would have helped us grow in ways that would have made us more of a facet in each other’s lives. Or perhaps they would have revealed that we are not compatible friends many years earlier.

On the other hand, the friendships that I have come to value the most in my life are those where the other person has not shied away from vulnerability—perhaps sometimes calling me out for a misstep (in a kind way), and other times being unafraid to tell me that they love me, and value our friendship. I’ve found that this invites me to do the same, which leads us both to continue down a pathway of intentional relationship. Words are a great way to let one’s walls down. Actions are another—something like picking up the phone on the way home from work, sending a postcard, or planning a weekend trip together. Ultimately, taking those small steps towards one another facilitates a lifetime of walking side by side.

Dialogue and Discussion Questions: Longtime SMC readers know that “the Dialogue” section of this article is set aside for a good conversation over a cup of coffee—with a friend, with a group, or just with yourself! As always, feel free to share your reaction or reflection in the “Comments” section below.

• What stood out to you in this article?

  
  

• Is there a “friend trip” that you look back on particularly fondly? What made it special?

  
  

• Is fear of vulnerability an obstacle in any of your friendships? What are some ways that you might face that fear?

  
  

• How has vulnerability—in being open about negative or positive feelings—made one (or several!) of your friendships more meaningful?

  
  

• Do you have any relationships in your life in which bringing up conflict is not so challenging? Why do you think that is?

  
  

• Do you have any relationships in your life in which being vulnerable about your love for that person is not so challenging? Why do you think that is?   

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Join us for our next Sunday Morning Café Event!

Sunday, September 21 

Parker's Table at Oakland & Yale | Richmond Heights, MO Virtual option now available!

Enjoy an afternoon of meaningful conversation, soul-soothing reflection, deep connection & laughter led by Dr. Tom Wagner, masterful resilience facilitator. Light food & drink included. Come as you are. No prep needed.

Get your ticket for SMC 9/21.

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Please share with the SMC community your thoughts and/or reflections in the comments below.