Restorative Practices: Lessons in Trust from a Classroom of 10-Year-Olds

Restorative Practices tell us that healing moves at the speed of trust. This reflection explores what children can teach us about repair and community-building.

With Dr. Tom away on his trip to South Africa, we’re thrilled to feature a series of guest authors sharing their voices with the SMC community.

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This Week's Guest SMC Author: Lizzie Wiegert Lizzie Wiegert holds a Bachelor’s degree in Social Work, a Teacher Certification in Elementary Education, and Master’s degrees in Curriculum, and Restorative Practices. She began her career in education 14 years ago as a classroom teacher before moving into her current role as a Social Emotional Interventionist, a position she has dedicated the past eight years to. Elizabeth is passionate about restorative practices and is deeply committed to supporting both staff and students in building positive, inclusive school cultures. Outside of work, she enjoys spending time outdoors with her husband, Andy, and their two daughters, Hattie and Birdie.

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Something I’ve learned in my work and research is that while most understand ‘Restorative Justice’ as a method of focus on specific incidents of harm, Restorative Practices is a foundational model that also focuses on building positive relationships and a foundation of trust, which prepares communities for effectively addressing and healing harm.

Restorative Practices (RP) tells us that humans are more productive, they’re more positive, and they can make improvements to their behavior when we do things with them instead of to them, or for them. RP work is developing inclusive communities and proactively building relationships, so that we can then manage and mend those relationships when they are harmed. Restorative Justice is powerful, and in RP, we say that work can only be done at the speed of trust. The foundation of trust is integral and makes up the majority of the work! Restorative practitioners would say that 80% of the work is proactive (foundation-building), while 20% is reactive (addressing harm).

So in my building, I serve as the Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) interventionist – I support my building with this RP work, I support staff with running their community building circles, I push into classrooms and model effective language, and I facilitate restorative circles when harm is done. Whether it’s student to student, student and teacher, or teacher and admin. 

A question I will ask of our building staff, and what I ask you, is ‘What can we learn from our kids when it comes to having a restorative mindset?’

In the work I do, I am reminded daily of the wisdom, resilience, and empathy that our students possess. I will give you an example…

I had a student a few years ago (we’ll call him Jacob) who was having trouble in his class. He came to our school a few months into the school year, so he had missed some of the intentional community building that happens after summer break. Jacob at first appeared to be very shy. He didn’t say much; however, I quickly learned that he loved to play basketball. Gratefully, I played growing up, so I knew that was something we could connect on. We ended our day with him finding me, and we would do a check-in. 

I will often facilitate restorative conversations with students when there has been harm done between two students and support them as they work through the conflict. Something that is imperative to this work is that each student needs to willingly come to the conversation. I never want anyone to come to a restorative conversation under force, because what I’ve learned is that it won’t work. Willingness to show up is critical. I will also say that in my 14 years in education, there has only been one instance where we couldn’t hold a restorative conversation because both students were not willing or ready. 

Jacob was struggling to connect with his peers. In fact, he was actually doing the opposite of connecting. His actions appeared to be pushing his classmates away. He would be in a classmate bubble or personal space, even after multiple reminders. Classmates would go out of their way to ask him to join their group, and he would either decline or accept, but then be a distraction and pull their group off track. His teacher was at a loss. She came to me having tried so many different things to get Jacob to be accepted and to accept his peers, yet there was a clear disconnect. She and I pulled him aside and talked with him about how he was settling into his new school. He said he felt that it was good, and he stated he had friends. We gently voiced back some of the actions that we had seen. 

One day at lunch, as I was walking around the cafeteria, I came upon Jacob’s classmates. My heart sank. This situation had gotten so hard that the students decided to, as they said, “take it into their own hands.” There was a notebook going around the table with a poll on whether Jacob should stay or leave the class. Gratefully, Jacob was sitting at a different table and was not aware of the poll that was being taken. 

Harm clearly had been done. It would have been easy to reprimand and punish these kids for doing such a hurtful thing. But what I knew was that this was a cry for help, they were doing what they felt they had control of in the situation, they knew that it didn't feel good, and so they took action into their own hands. I knew that these are the opportunities for learning and for healing.

So what happened next? We needed to repair harm to a community that had been hurt. It was time to prepare for a formal restorative circle. Separate from Jacob, I went into the classroom and had a very honest conversation with the class. This type of circle is an opportunity for every voice to be heard, without judgment, and the plan was to move forward with a strength-based approach. Here were the questions I invited Jacob’s classmates to reflect on: What are Jacob's strengths? What has been a change that you have noticed in the classroom since he started? What word would you use to describe that? Is there anything that you have done to add to the conflict? What is one thing you need in order to move forward? What is one thing you can commit to doing to be a part of the change for the community? We ended with one word to describe how they felt after the conversation.

I then met with Jacob individually and explained that we were going to have a class meeting to talk about the community and how we can support each other. Also, while recognizing that when someone new comes to a community, things change. Often it's for the good, and so we want to learn how we can best support him in entering into their community. He was very willing to participate, but said that he felt a little bit nervous. I explained that that was very normal, and we had made plans to do the circle the following day.

When I tell you restorative practice work can be transformative, I saw it in action the day we held the classroom circle in this classroom. I welcomed everyone to the circle, introduced the talking piece, which symbolizes the speaker (whoever had the piece was the one talking), as well as put a plant in the middle as a focal point. I also explained that sometimes it can feel uncomfortable, so instead of looking at a friend or a classmate, they could use this as a visual to help if and when the conversation got uncomfortable, or even when they didn't know what to do. We started by affirming Jacob with all the great things that he had brought to the class, and each student shared, and had something very authentic. For example, things that I heard from his peers were that Jacob was very knowledgeable about basketball, funny, easy to be around, a good listener, a great leader out at recess, and helpful. As I glanced over at Jacob, I noticed that he couldn't help but grin as he heard about the goodness that others see in him. After that question, we moved to the next one, where Jacob and his peers reflected on some of the challenges that were being faced in the classroom. The idea was not to point out anyone in particular, just in general what was challenging. Students voiced that they felt that sometimes when they asked others to be out of their space, that wasn't respected. Jacob voiced that what he needed was for others to understand that there was more about him than basketball, and he wanted people to know more about him. 

As the circle concluded, students shared one word that described how they were feeling – I heard words such as hopeful, grateful, good, and excited. Jacob’s word was “relieved”. 

When I checked in with Jacob afterward, I learned that the most difficult part for him was hearing his affirmations. How true this is for so many of us!

We learned so much that day, and the class culture improved dramatically. We learned how invaluable it is for students to be heard and to listen. We learned how to separate the deed from the doer –– when someone does something that is harmful, instead of making it about who that person is, it is acknowledging how this action makes us feel. We learned of the importance of the work in trust-building and what it can do for healing. And we learned it all because a classroom of 10-year-olds was willing to try. 

So often, when I invite adults into these same types of interactions, teachers in our building dealing with conflict with students, I ask for their willingness to be vulnerable, I ask that they trust the process. And I am faced with resistance. I am faced with years of experiences that have hardened hearts and emboldened skepticism. 

My challenge to you is, what can you learn from this classroom of 10-year-olds? In situations where harm has occurred, how can you peel away the layers of apprehension and lean into the possibility that there is an opportunity to learn? 

Dialogue and Discussion Questions: Longtime SMC readers know that “the Dialogue” section of this article is set aside for a good conversation over a cup of coffee—with a friend, with a group, or just with yourself! As always, feel free to share your reaction or reflection in the “Comments” section below.

• What stood out to you in this story that connects with your own experiences of conflict or repair?

  
  

• Can you identify a time when a child (your own or someone else’s) modeled wisdom, empathy, or resilience for you? What did you learn from that moment?

  
  

• Are you aware of situations in your community, workplace, or family where trust was built—or broken? What impact did it have on repairing harm?

  
  

• Can you tell the story of a time when you experienced a “restorative circle” moment—formal or informal—where people came together to listen and heal?

  
  

• What helps you separate “the deed from the doer” when someone’s actions cause hurt? What makes that difficult for you?

  
  

• Do you tend to approach conflict by moving quickly to fix it, or by slowing down to build understanding first? How has that shaped your relationships?

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Sunday, September 21 

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Enjoy an afternoon of meaningful conversation, soul-soothing reflection, deep connection & laughter led by Dr. Tom Wagner, masterful resilience facilitator. Light food & drink included. Come as you are. No prep needed.

Get your ticket for SMC 9/21.

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Please share with the SMC community your thoughts and/or reflections in the comments below.